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Post by theatrelover82 on Jun 8, 2022 12:52:36 GMT
**this post may trigger some people..admin feel free to delete if needed**
How do you deal with a friend who got seriously inebriated and started saying awful/mean things to you—someone they claim to care for? This friend has never acted like this toward me in the past, so it’s completely out of character. It encompassed toxic narcissistic comments as well as gaslighting. And no words of apology since this event…I’ve since just ‘let it be’ and have stopped communication entirely to let things cool down and I’m just waiting for this person to reach out. Should I wait? Should I end the friendship over this? Should I reach out sooner? I feel heartbroken and lost.
I realize this isn’t a theatre topic, but thought posting in the general chat would be ok. I don’t have many other friends to reach out to for advice. Thank you for listening..
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334 posts
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Post by adrianics on Jun 8, 2022 13:32:46 GMT
The other person is not going to reach out. It's really tough but the only thing that will help this situation is you sitting them down and telling them that they behaved and spoke inappropriately, and that it made you feel upset and uncomfortable. Make sure you give them specific examples and explain why it made you feel the way that you did.
Never forget the old adage about a drunk person's words being a sober person's thoughts; odds are that someone who is narcisstic and gaslighting when they're drunk does the same when they're sober. At least if you confront them honestly, if they keep the same behaviour up without inebriation as an excuse you'll know that they're not worth your time and friendship.
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306 posts
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Post by Sam on Jun 8, 2022 13:41:34 GMT
Unless you feel a desperate need to maintain the friendship I would just not get in touch. If/when they get in touch with you, you can explain that they hurt you and take their reaction from there. If they offer no form of apology or acknoledgement of your feelings then you are better off without them, if they do apologise it's up to you how you want to go forward and whether your friendship can recover.
If you want to more proactively address the issue to try and salvage the friendship you can, but it may only cause you more pain.
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Post by thesoberpanda on Jun 8, 2022 18:58:25 GMT
This is a tough one, drink can do so many cruel and wicked things and although it's not an excuse it can create some understanding. As my name suggests I've been sober and have just broken it after 8 months on our holiday to Poland. There's been times in my life where I would've probably identified as alcoholic bit in my later years calmed down a lot but would have a couple of beers every night after work. There have been times when I've completely blacked out and can't remember a damn thing that I've done or what people have said so it is plausible that they simply don't remember. That said, I think the above advice is sound that maybe you should give some distance and let them come to you and if and when they do you can explain your reasons. The time away from the situation will no doubt help you in coming at it from a (rightly) higher emotive state.
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Post by theatrelover82 on Jun 9, 2022 1:16:29 GMT
Thank you all who have reached out to me on this topic..feel
free to send me a private message if you don’t feel
comfortable posting publicly.
Xx
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3,826 posts
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Post by anthony40 on Jun 9, 2022 11:12:36 GMT
My Grandfather was an alcoholic, as was my Uncle. I also had a friend who was an alcoholic.
My Grandfather lived in another state of Australia so growing I only ever saw him (maybe) once every year or so- if we went to Melbourne to visit, or they came to us.
Alas we lost my Grandfather about eight years or so ago now.
My Uncle (through marriage) slowly declined over the years. He had a genetic disposition from his mother and lost everything- his job, his wife -my paternal Aunt and two daughters-, his self-esteem, his weight till he too eventually passed away.
My friend, well it's a tough one. He wasn't that old and although he had previously been to AA, the alcoholic had a grip in him and he doesn't need me to sit there telling him not the drink. He knows that.
He was a stock broker. Despite owning his own basement flat in a wealthy part of London, he no longer holds down a job and wastes his days smoking, in some sort of drunken stupor.
And it's hard because you're sitting there watching them (slowly) killing themselves. We are no longer friends.
Despite the above, that is NOT the reason that I choose not to consume alcohol; for what it's worth, I don't drink tea or coffee either.
For those of you wondering, my body is NOT a temple! Lol!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2022 18:14:19 GMT
Its hard to tell who is an alcoholic sometimes and who just likes or may not be able to handle their drink. Often an alcoholic may rarely be drunk its not the guy staggering around you often see portrayed.
I once worked with someone who did have a real drink problem and he was a bit of an a-hole offered another person with a drink issue a swig from a hip flask in a lift. He struggled to control the temptation so actually took a job in Dubai where no alcohol was legally on sale and lived there for several years and did well for himself and last time I heard of him he could actually go in a pub and not be tempted to overdrink.
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Post by cat6 on Jun 13, 2022 12:37:56 GMT
Hey, theatrelover82, Thing is, people do change and usually for the worst. And sometimes it happens just like that. Your friend has changed into someone you would not want to be friends with. In my most humble opinion you miss the joy of friendship. But the soul of the person who was your friend is now gone.
Maybe in the long-term or short-term the person of whom you speak will succeed in getting rehabilitated, and just may reach out to you. Perhaps that day you can start fresh, totally fresh, and see if you can be new friends. But don't force it, and don't do "if only".
There are people out there to meet. It's easy to meet people, but it is hard to make friends. However, it is possible! Maybe get involved in more theatre chats. I actually have made friends via the internet. If you have shared interests, you're well along the way. In the end, tho', nothing lasts forever. We're all brokenhearted one time or another. Good luck.
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