2:22 - Coward/Gielgud/Criterion/Lyric/Apollo/Gielgud

"Danny Robins added: "I'm thrilled to be making my West End debut with this jaw-dropping cast ...."

We haven't had some real stunt casting in the West End for a while. I'm all for it. 

See, we're loving this already aren't we ! 

Anyone have any inside information on the likely running time of this? There's nothing on the venue website yet.

I'm booked next week, and I need to know whether I can make the last train. I appreciate it's just a rough ballpark estimate at this stage prior to opening, but I'll be kicking myself if I splash out for a hotel only to discover it's all done and dusted in 90 minutes straight through.

No, we haven’t seen because she’s not an actor. It’s not snobbery to question stunt casting. How would you feel if Lily Allen took your job despite having zero qualifications or experience for it?

As for a credible music career, that’s definitely a matter of opinion. 

Sorry you don’t like TheatreBoard. Membership isn’t compulsory. 

Jeepers, it gets worse.

Everyone starts somewhere. As just one example, Billy Piper has forged quite a credible career as a serious actor following a pop career some would scoff at.

Given that the personality presented by pretty much every pop star is actually a character played someone quite different underneath, I'd say Lily Allen has a great deal more than "zero qualifications or experience". Further take into consideration the careers of other family members, I'd say you're starting to look a bit of an idiot.

She is more than welcome to try my job because 1) Im not an asshole, 2) like every other human, she deserves a chance, 3) she's got childrens mouths to feed and ambitions to follow.

If your quote below is 'questioning stunt casting' I'd hate to see what you being condescending looks like!

Most actors start at acting school. I’m sorry if that’s terribly old fashioned. Pull back on the name calling please.

Og - Now that Billie has been ruled out because her acting credentials and training have been proved, can you give us some more examples of others who have established successful acting careers following other careers, with no acting experience in their background?

OK. Sorry. Keeping it consistent then. How about just stage actors?

That is harder. Lennie Henry out my original list. Quite a few comics have transitioned to actors - often musical - Josie Lawrence. I shall have to put my thinking cap on.

A friend of mine, Sally Bankes, was a bank manager until her 40s and then turned to acting. Worked with Victoria Wood on Housewife 49 and, on stage, Acorn Antiques and was in The Watsons at the Menier  and west end transfer until the pandemic hit.

A few more:

Lee Evans
Eddie Izzard
Stephen Fry
Tracey Ullman

og is probably Lily Allen posting under an alias....

Ms Allen is no Madonna.

And I don't buy the line that she is doing this to feed her kids.

It is stunt casting and should be treated as such.

It is for her to prove us wrong not for us to take it on trust that a first time actor can lead a West End play.

If you went last night, did you make a note of what time you came out? The play's writer on Twitter was expecting around 2 hours, and certainly less than 2:30, but could do with an accurate actual figure, as 2 hours means I don't need to stay over, but 2:30 does.

I’m not sure what everyone things it’s such stunt casting. She IS a performer. It’s not like she was in Love Island or TOWIE and now fancies acting.

She probably had drama school training?

Look at Billie Piper. Who’d have thought she would go on to have such a successful acting career.

The fifty minutes of act 1 were so dull that barely a quarter of the audience bothered to applaud.

Act 2 offered little improvement, but, inexplicably, generated an ovation and wild applause from most. I can only assume they were diehard Lily Allen fans, as this production lacked any redeeming features.

The concept might have worked well as a 30-minute Inside Number 9 episode, but spun out to two hours, the countdown to 02:22 felt like an eternity. Besides, Reese and Pemberton would have thrown in witty dialogue, engaging characters and some dark humour, none of which we have here. In any case, I suspect the overall conceit would have been vetoed on the grounds of having been done before.

The sound design was woefully bad. A clichéd low background rumble hints at impending danger, but it's so quiet that it's pretty much drowned out by the hum of the AC. Other times, effects go very loud suddenly. I think these are meant to be jump scares, but not one worked; they were simply irritating. There was no nuance or subtlety. The accompanying lighting was similarly ham-fisted.

So, what of the leading lady? I generally prefer to single out good performances rather than criticise the bad, but I'm £60 down on the affair, and feeling a little miffed at being suckered in -- my own fault for being naive, I know -- so I'll make an exception. The kindest thing to say is that Allen's acting isn't terrible. But it's mechanical and unconvincing. Even were this in the provinces at a fraction of the price, I would feel short-changed. On a West End stage, it's taking the proverbial.

If you appreciate good theatre or enjoy a fine horror, I think you'll be disappointed. This one is solely for Allen groupies.

It just scrapes into the two-star category.

Act 1: 19:34-20:23
Act 2: 20:44-21:36