I have only just come across this ongoing game of Mornington Crescent and I have to say I am dazzled by the dexterity, ingenuity and mental agility of the current players, not to mention their encyclopedic knowledge of the London underground system and their comprehensive familiarity with the history of the game. I have no intention of trying to join in as my poor skills would be as nothing compared with that of the giants currently engaged. I just wanted to let you all know that your efforts are greatly enjoyed and appreciated.
OK. How can I resist? I can see that I have no option but to follow a maxim that my friend Barry Cryer often cited, which is that no good ever comes of trying to bend the rules when you don't know what they are. So it has to be the Neasden underpass with the double bypass:
Oh, I hadn't realised I was sailing close to the wind. Thank heavens for Lytteltons's Rules (revised ed 1990). But I left my copy on a U3 bus and have been unable to obtain a replacement so I will just have to rely on my own perspicacity and the smell from McVities Biscuit Factory situated near where I live to inspire me to my next move, which I hope does not contravene Lyttelton's Rules or anybody else's:
Hulmeman, you have set off the newly installed alarm at Goldhawk Road, arousing me from my slumber on this sunny Sunday matin. I am now arisen and setting all my ducks in their rows; even more paramount as I discern that I am playing with a bunch of apes and one bloke...... a bunch of blokes and one ape, ...male members, who insist on continually throwing out-dated rules at me. Therefore I am in dire need of some female players in order to reinforce my ramparts.
I knew I would be out of my depth trying to compete with the brilliance of the rest of you lot. What do I have to fall back on, apart from a broken sofa? OK. From the depths of my puny experience I dredge up a move inspired by taking the wrong tube line one day back in March 1960 – the Circle Line Circular Malfunction:
In an effort to entice more girls into the proceedings, I have decided to pull out the dastardly Thrice Curled Poldark Chest Hair twist. I strongly doubt there is a male on this board who can compete with that. Pwahahaha. In which case it has to be: